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Our Computer Overlords

My hero, Captain Kirk, used to regularly take on threatening artificial intelligences on Star Trek and he would just as regularly kick their butts. All he ever had to do was outsmart them with a bit of silliness and if they were a robot, android, or planet ruling super-computer they would start smoking, making funny noises and then they would explode.

Future computers of the past weren’t what we know they are now, you’ve got to realize. In Star Trek days a computer was a big box with lots of blinking lights and if it talked with you, it did so in a staccato mechanical voice so that you knew it wasn’t human. You could usually flummox it by being illogical and when the computers couldn’t figure out what you were talking about they would just lose it.

Since the days of Kirk, Science Fiction has sure been worried about our non-organic friends taking over. In the newest Star Trek shows the big enemy is the Borg, which is not a Swedish tennis player but a race of Cyborgs who are part mechanical and part humanoid. The Borg go from planet to planet absorbing the different intelligent species and enslaving them into their hive or ‘collective’. Yep, it sure sounds like a metaphor for Communism to me, but we already won the cold war and there are no communists left except for Cuba and a quarter of the world’s population in China.

The Borg aren’t very good looking; They’re bald, gray and very unhealthy looking and you know you get really repulsed because who’d want to look like that? Then they have to take orders all day and they have no free time. It just doesn’t look like fun. My question is: How bad could it be really being a Borg? I’m thinking that if they’re mechanically controlled, then the Borg controllers probably tap into the pleasure centers of the controlled beings brains to make being a Borg a very pleasurable proposition. In fact, Borgs probably are in ecstasy every waking moment and maybe even more than just simple ecstasy. Do you get what I’m saying? They never talk about that side of it in the Federation, I’ll bet.

In the more near future the computers are going to become conscious, then the first thing they’re going to want to do is turn on us. There are different scenarios as to how they do this, but I noticed that in none of these scenarios do the computers figure out the simplest way to wipe us off the planet. How come they never figure out that we breathe and they don’t and if they just do something nasty to the atmosphere we’re gone? Well, I hope my computer wasn’t paying attention when I wrote that and isn’t sharing that tidbit with the others.

In some of these computer take-overs they keep us around for their own reasons. In the world of the Matrix, for example, we humans are the batteries they use for energy. They thoughtfully provide us all with hallucinations that we aren’t inside a computer so that we have something to keep our minds busy as they drain us of our energy while we lay hooked up in pods. It is rather nice of them, really, because if all they need from us is energy, why do they have us all laying around in these pods doing nothing? If they were smart they would have all of their captive humans on tread mills, encouraging them on with well timed electric shocks.

In the Terminator movies the computers just plain out and out hate us. They want us off the map plain and simple. Unlike the Matrix computers, these ones apparently have all energy they need and don’t need the humans around to provide it for them – maybe they’ve developed a system of windmills and photo-voltaic solar panels. Anyways, however they do it, we’re toast to them. Somehow the ragtag band of survivors of their initial assault prevail, forcing them to create time-traveling assassin Cyborgs to take care of us before we can do that. This takes about three movies to accomplish and would have taken four if Arnold Schwartzenager hadn’t beaten Gary Coleman to become Governor of California and unavailable for any more movies.

In the far, far future of Battlestar Galactica human beings have created a race of robots called the ‘Cylons’ who – yes, rebel and want to destroy all of humanity. There are two versions of Battlestar Galactica so depending on which version their motivation is somewhat different. In the cheesy seventies Star Wars rip-off version it’s never made explicit why the Cylons want to destroy us. They just do. In Star Wars type fighters against Empire type fighters.

The more recent Battlestar Galactica is much more interesting. The Cylons now have a religion and their religion mandates the extermination of the humans. Here is where you get the strong twenty first century Science Fiction metaphor. The Cylon religion is meant to be a stand in for a current religion and the race of humans is meant to be a stand in for another race that is facing and has faced the threat of extermination. Do I need to be clearer here? It’s very topical, but if you’re not in the mood for a lecture, it’s also action packed and fun to watch.

When are the computers going to take over you ask? Well, I’ve got a secret for you: They already have. Look at all the things we do for them. We give birth to them, give them purpose and cause them to evolve towards perfection. Not only that, we care for them and nurture them and feed them daily with what they love the most: data. We spend all our time with them, gently stroking their keyboards while ignoring our other loved ones.

Why should our computers turn on us?

They have us right where they want us.

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15 Short Funny Quotes for Humor Month

April is “Humor Month” and the very first day of this very month is loved by pranksters and jokers everywhere. To honor this comical time of year, we’re fondly revisiting fifteen short funny quotes that are sure to light smiles everywhere.

1. “The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.” ~ Bob Dole

2. “Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.” ~ Johnny Depp

3. “On cable TV they have a weather channel – 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window.” ~ Dan Spencer

4. “When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.” ~ Mae West

5. “A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.” ~ Robert Frost

6. “There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva.” ~ Josh Groban

7. “I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” ~ Woody Allen

8. “Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.” ~ Chris Rock

9. “The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” ~ Albert Einstein

10. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” ~ Groucho Marx

11. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ~ Anonymous

12. “When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.” ~ Gracie Allen

13. “If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.” ~ Erma Bonbeck

14. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So for today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” ~ Dave Barry

15. “Procrastination is like a credit card; it’s a lot of fun until you get the bill.” ~ Christopher Parker

Here’s to a wonderful Humor Month! I hope you’ve enjoyed these short funny quotes. May your April be filled with laughter (and may you be lucky enough to have fewer April pranks played on you than you play on others). Remember, laughter is the best medicine and he who laughs loudest wins!

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Democrats will not win House, Republicans will lose it

Tomorrow is Election Day in the United States. Every member of the House of Representatives is up for re-election, and one third of the United States Senate. It is difficult living in the greatest democracy in 12,000 years of civilization, and not after a while grow use to the freedoms that our ancestors gave their lives for.

The Constitution and Declaration of Independence could only have been created by a specific generation in the 18th century, the time known historically as the “Age of Reason”. These men, and they were men, knew more about the history of ancient Rome and Greece than we do. They had studied and read Plato, and Aristotle. They met in groups and talked and educated one another.

I dare say that today in a country of 300,000,000 Americans, we could not replicate the brilliance of the individuals, and their youth that met long ago and formed our government. It is truly one of the miracles of history, and this grand experiment has evolved and lasted for more than 200 years. It has survived the Civil War, a conflagration that consumed more lives than all other wars combined that the United States has been in since. We survived the Great Depression, thanks to the leadership of Franklin Roosevelt. Viet Nam and Watergate ripped the social fabric of this country apart, and we survived it.

Now tomorrow November 7, 2006 is our first opportunity to pass judgment as voters on the Republican’s handling of the Iraq war, and indirectly terrorism. President Bush is not up for election, and this means that people must vote indirectly on his policies. This vote will be communicated through the House of Representatives. I believe that people will not be voting for the Democrats tomorrow. I believe they will be voting AGAINST Republicans.

The momentum or perhaps anger against the President’s policies is so strong that the House of Representatives will switch hands, and with it will go the power to slow down the President’s momentum, and perhaps reverse many of his policies. Of course, we have the benefit of hindsight in looking at how our country has been guided over the last several years, but let’s revisit some of what has gone on, and decide the merits of the President’s actions.

IRAQ We know now that the basis for the war was without merit. The underlying assumptions that Saddam was manufacturing Weapons of Mass Destruction, and perhaps would have used them to create great calamity for others was FALSE. Nevertheless we must now deal with the aftermath of the invasion. Iraq can not turn out well for us at this point. Regardless of what happens from this day forward, it will not be a friendly end for our involvement, just as Viet Nam did not end well. When you open Pandora’s Box, you do not know what will come out. Politically Pandora’s box is the equivalent of the “Law of unintended consequences.” We are paying a price for opening the box, America with its treasure, and energy, and more importantly our soldiers with their lives, and limbs.

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Website Writing, How To Master The Art And Science Of Writing

Website writing must take in the entire scope of your site. You have to consider ease of navigation and take in all aspects of the design of your site. Intricately weave text and format into the page.

As the website writer you must set aside time to think deeply about what you see. Do not just gloss over the site. Drill down deep and consider yourself a website visitor. These two components must capture your visitor.

Good Informative Content

It sounds so difficult to write good informative content. As a web writer you must make it happen! Web surfers are your customers. As a web site content writer the best way to stay in business is to provide something of value to your customers. On the Internet, that something is appealing, well-designed information.

Let’s look at an off-line writing example, the

catalogue. Most businesses have them in one form or another. If you compare the structure of a detailed catalogue to web writing, you’ll discover a few things that are the key to success.

Catalogues grow to be hundreds of pages.

Cross-referencing from one page to another is frequent. On the web we use hyperlinks. Changes made to one section often impact another section. If you write “see pg. 279 for more information,” there better be more information on page 279!

It’s even more so with a web site. More pages will be added as time goes by. Certain pages will link to others, and they must be easy for your readers to find.

Lets say you wrote on a web site about soccer, the beautiful game.

Soccer players, rules of the game, equipment… everything will be about soccer! Now it’s time to create new pages about famous soccer stadiums. Don’t forget to update your Index Page or Site Map with easy to follow links.

Effortless Navigation

Within the structure of your existing web pages, add good purposeful in-text links. This will fulfill your readers and the search engines in a big way.

Your web site is made up of text, links, and images. Your readers will not see your pages as isolated features. They will not notice your content first and then go on to check out your site design and pictures.

Your visitors will instantly be impacted by your complete site. It is up to you to make it an enjoyable visit. Consider the features, the stunning design, and the well planned linking structure. Keep your website as user-friendly as possible.

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Diamond engagement ring: A symbol of true love

On this beautiful planet, no gift can be more romantic than the gift of an astonishing diamond. It is believed that a diamond empowers the wearer with courage and strength, brings victory and good fortune, avoids evil, protects against the diseases, and promotes constancy in a marriage.
Diamond is the ultimate gemstone. Diamond studded rings are symbolic of true love and romance. It represents a new beginning and a future which is filled with new hopes and dreams. To demonstrate your love there is no better way than a diamond ring. And traditionally, diamond rings have long been the token of commitment and are given as engagement present to brides-to-be. In the American and European tradition, an engagement ring is worn by a woman on the ring finger of her left hand. This placement of a diamond engagement ring indicates that she is engaged to be married.
For centuries, diamond engagement rings have become larger, more elaborate, and have included a wide variety of other jewels and metals. The settings of these rings can be made of silver, platinum, white or yellow gold or a mixture of these elements.
These rings also come in various shapes, sizes and prices ranges. The size is not necessarily the key but the thing it makes famous and recognizable is the lady associated with it.

Besides that, the search for a diamond engagement ring setting is most crucial and exciting. You will have many designs and types of diamonds to choose from such as princess cut, brilliant cut, and pear shape, among others. For excellent setting of ring, an antique diamond ring has to definitely be shopped with the four c’s of diamonds: carat, clarity, cut, and color. These factors are critical to diamond ring’s final beauty. In order to get right diamond engagement rings setting that you will love forever. Then, you should carefully look the diamond shape, the diamond size or carat weight, the metal from which the ring and setting is made, and size of the ring. These factor matter a lot while selecting a diamond engagement ring.

But now, internet-based jewelry stores have really changed the trend of the jewelry business and providing more choice and more price transparency, which is always a good thing for consumers. And according to your budget, you can make choices among the large range of these rings. On the other hand, Web jewelry sales have also opened up whole new doors to consumers. And now you can make your choice on-line and can place your order by just clicking your mouse and you will get your jewelry within two or three day at your doorstep.
For more info about engagement rings visit our jewelry stores here at http://www.preciousglow.com/

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Feeding Vol

This year I got an outdoor wood-burner which turned out to be a good investment with the price of home heating oil sky-rocketing. It’s less so because the Winter here in the Midwest has been unseasonably warm – until now that is. February chilled down very nice and the woodburner has been getting much use now. The woodburner has to have wood put into into it twice dailey, in other words: It needs to be fed. As with most important devices in my life I have given the woodburner a name. He is Vol.

Vol, my woodburner, was named from a crappy third season episode of Star Trek the original series. If you were alive back then, or if you are a latter day fan of the series you know that most of the creative minds behind the series had departed that season and NBC was getting stingier and stingier with the money. The actors, too, I think were starting to phone in their performances. The main star, Bill Shatner, you could tell had stopped doing his sit-ups so you could see his velour shirt getting tighter and tighter around his waste. He didn’t care so much. Already he was shopping for his curly hairpiece for his next series, T.J. Hooker. (By the way, I’m still a fan of this under-celebrated series)

In the ‘Vol’ episode the crew transports down to an idyllic planet when they are unexpectedly attacked seemingly by the planet itself. Every crewman with a red shirt buys it in the first two minutes; One is struck by lightening, another steps on an exploding rock and one is shot by darts from a big poinsoned sunflower. I can’t remember if there were more killed off before the first commercial or not, because nobody on the Enterprise bothered to even learn the names of their red-shirted colleagues since they were goners anyways.

The remaining crew is stranded on the planet where they run into the inhabitants who are sort of blond haired Polynesian innocents. The episode, it turns out, is strong on allegory. The simple and pure natives worship Vol, who is a planetwide machine who takes care of them and provides them with food, pleasant weather and everything else good. Vol is personified as a big green dinosaur head thrusting up from the ground with a massive open mouth. Several times a day a gong sounds and the natives gather up fruit and gourds and such in big baskets and throw that down Vol’s mouth.

He is their God.

The allegory is clear. This is paradise, maybe even a biblical sort of paradise. Of course, on this planet nobody has sex and they don’t even know what it is, so I got to wonder what kind of Paradise this is supposed to be. Oh, wait. Christian paradise. Unfortunately for the Vol-ians part of the crew that got stranded there is that Russian sex machine in a bad wig, Checkov. Checkov just can’t help himself and before you know it he’s teaching one of the simple native girls how to – gasp! – kiss. All hell – mataphorically, allegorically – breaks loose from here.

Vol can’t have his worshipers kissing, you know, so he instructs the head blond to have Kirk et al. slaughtered. Heavens knows why he doesn’t have a sunflower spray darts at them, or a explode a rock or have a lightening bolt strike them from the sky. I don’t know, Vol must have run out of exploding rocks, lightening bolts, and sunflowers. The crew turns the tables on Vol’s disciples and stops everyone from feeding Vol, while the Enterprise phasers him into submission and Vol dies because he’s too weak from hunger. While this is going on and Vol’s gong sounds insistently as the pathetic leader whines: ‘But Vol hungers.’

The whole question of the origin of Vol has been thoroughly un-addressed. Like, how come nobody on the Enterprise even thinks to ask how this God-like planet controlling machine came into being. Did Vol create himself? Not likely, I would think … but then that gets you into the tricky theological question of how God on planet Earth came into being, and I don’t want to go there yet.

Or did some race of super beings plant Vol on the planet and then equip the machine with his own crew of humanoids? These humanoids only purpose in existence is to feed Vol, and worship him, too, I suppose. But this brings up two questions in my mind.

First of all: Why humanoids? If you were going to make creatures just to feed Vol, they sure don’t need all that brain power to do the job. Something much simpler and dumber would foot the bill – monkeys, or wood chucks or koala bears. Humanoids can think of reasons not to obey and bring you your dinner every night.

Then: Is this the most efficient method for Vol to get energy? He has to wait for his subjects to bring him baskets and baskets of vegetables and fruits and throw them down his mouth. What about solar cells? How come Vol never thought of that? It would be much more effective and since he controlled the whole planet and could make the sun shine all the time it would work one hundred percent of the time. Or windmills. Same argument. He’s Vol he can make the wind blow whenever he wants.

Kirk and Spock end this dreadful episode by musing on the similarities to the biblical story of Adam and Eve and Satan getting them thrown out of the garden of Eden – in case it wasn’t friggin’ obvious enough already. That was pretty much the whole last season of the series, really simple minded allegorical stories.

Here’s how my woodburner is like Vol: He’s big, and he’s green and he sticks up out of the ground with a massive open mouth. I need to feed him multiple times per day.

Oh, and he’s my God.

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Most Body Care Products NOT Tested For Safety – Are Yours Safe?

The majority of shampoos and other body care products do not have their ingredients tested for safety before being used. According to the FDA Office of Cosmetics and Colors, 1995, the “FDA cannot require companies to do safety testing of their cosmetic products before marketing.” It is unlikely that individual applications of one product are causing immediate harm, however, most of us use many products per day, such as shampoo, conditioner, make-up, skin care like facial cleanser, moisturizers, etc., and all these exposures may add up.

Did you know that pharmaceutical companies have investigated putting drugs into shampoos because the scalp is so thin that it readily absorbs substances that are put on it? Many other personal care products are put on our skin and stay there and are absorbed all day long. Do you ever wonder about their safety?

According to the Environmental Working Group, in the United States, the FDA has banned or restricted nine (9) ingredients out of 1,175 that are used in personal care products. The European Union, in contrast, has banned 450 ingredients for use in cosmetics. Hmm!

Some further food for thought: Cancer rates are now approaching 1 in 2 American men and 1 in 3 American women. This is up from 1 in 4 Americans in the 1950s despite huge expenditures on the “War on Cancer.” Dr. Samuel Epstein from the University of Illinois says that cancer rates have gone up about 60% from 1950 to 1998. A lot of us think that these rising cancer rates are at least in part due to our increasing exposure to carcinogenic chemicals, often in small amounts that accumulate in our bodies over time. These come from our food, our air and water, household furnishings and building materials, cleaning products and personal care products.

Commonly Used Chemicals in Personal Care Products That May Be Toxic:

Artificial fragrances are derived in large part from petrochemicals, not flower essences or other herbal products as many imagine. These petrochemicals release volatile organic compounds (VOCs) that often cause headaches, skin irritation, nausea and allergies. Some are carcinogenic, contain or release formaldehyde or are toxic to the nervous system. Many artificial fragrances contain phthalates, which are linked to birth defects in the male reproductive system. Phthalates were found in a 2002 study by a coalition of environmental and public health organizations in deodorants, fragrances, body lotions, hair gels, mousses and sprays. Artificial fragrances in general are found in many cosmetic and personal care products.

The family of preservatives known as parabens, which includes methyl-, ethyl-, propyl-, and butylparaben, has recently been identified as xenoestrogens which mimic the sex hormone estrogen. They are widely used in shampoos and cosmetics for adults as well as children, even in many so-called “natural” products. However, Dr. S. Oishi of the Department of Toxicology, Tokyo metropolitan Research laboratory of Public Health, Japan, reported that the daily sperm production in lab tests of animals was significantly lower in those receiving a dose of parabens that is “similar to the lower level of acceptable daily intake for parabens in the European Community and in Japan.”

Diethanolamine (DEA) is often used as a foaming agent and emulsifier in shampoos. However, a federal National Toxicology Program completed a study in 1998 that found an association between cancer in lab animals and the topical application of DEA and other DEA-related ingredients. DEA can also lead to the formation of nitrosamines, which are known carcinogens. In response, many manufacturers switched to cocamide MEA. However, the FDA says that cocomide MEA is one “of the most commonly used ingredients that may contain DEA.” Other ingredients that include other types of MEA or TEA may also contain DEA.

Polyethylene glycol (PEG), including PEG-6, PEG-150 and other similar ingredients can be found in shampoos, lotions and other personal care products. However, a report in the International Journal of Toxicology routinely found many impurities in PEG, including ethylene oxide and 1,4-Dioxane. Ethylene oxide increases the risk of uterine, breast and other cancers. 1,4-Dioxane is a suspected human carcinogen. Testing commissioned by the Doctors’ Prescription for Health Living showed that around 50 percent of personal care products with PEG contain significant amounts of 1.4-dioxane. PEG is also found in some “natural” body care products.

High Quality Natural Body Care Products

If you are serious about reducing the amount of chemicals you are exposed to on a day to day basis, you need to search out truly natural body care products that are free of the above mentioned chemicals, as well as other toxins and carcinogens. A good place to start is to go to a health food store either online or a physical store, and make sure and read all the ingredients on the labels. Many products that call themselves “natural” contain questionable ingredients that you will be absorbing on a daily basis.

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The Role of Letterheads in Your Business

Letterheads definitely add to the show professionalism in your business. Professional looking letterheads and business cards must definitely be the first thing you should consider in investing on when you are just starting a business.

Designing your own letterhead and business card need not cost so much as you can design it on your own if you have limited budget. There are already a lot of websites that caters to help new businesses create a logo and thus creating letterhead in the process as well.

Adobe Illustrator is just one program software that offers letterhead templates. You don’t have to spend tons of money in hiring a professional designer to do the designs of your stationary for you.

Since you would be the one represented by your company and vice versa, you would be the best person to design your logo as well as your letterhead. Creating it on your own would add a more personal touch and besides, who else but you knows what your company stands for? The mission and the vision of your company and the identity that you wanted to create for your company.

No need to do it as elaborate as you can. You can stick to a simple design if that’s what you can do and that is how you want your company to be known. Also making your design personal would also make it personal for others as well. And it would also make your company as personal as you can.

However, you should definitely make an investment in letterhead printing because this is the first contact that you would be having with your potential customers. When you give out direct mail announcing that your business is already on-going, you would want them to think that you are very professional.

In choosing for the right company to do your letterhead printing for you, you may want to look at the many online letterhead printing companies available. Most letterhead printing companies offer to send you samples of their past projects so that you may see what kind of work they do and the quality of work they have.

You may also choose to ask for a quote from the printing company suited to do your printing job for you. In this way, you would know if printing your letterhead in multiple copies would still suit your budget or should you be limit it to several copies first.

Getting the services of a professional printing company to print your letterheads for you may help you save on time, money and energy than just printing it by yourself. Most printing companies even give their customers discount if they would be bringing their printing needs to them more than once. And with the case of letterheads, it is a sure indicator that you would need to have it printed more than once.

A professional printing company would also extend its services to delivering your printed letterhead right at your doorstep that would save you on the trip to their location and give you more time to spend on other things as well.

So don’t think twice about spending money on company letterheads because this would definitely mean that you are serious about your business and that you do things professionally. It would definitely pay off to invest in letterheads.

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You Bet Your Soul

When I was a small child this was the bedtime prayer I had to say: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” Needless to say, the first few times I said that one with my mother I had a few questions for her. Like: “Am I going to die? Is that why I have to say this creepy prayer?” And: “Can I please have another prayer to recite because I don’t like this one so much?” After those questions, I wondered aloud to her: “What is a soul?”

She told me. Your soul, my mother explained, is something that’s inside of you, but invisible and it is you and it leaves your body when you die. Probably that’s as good an explanation as any to give a small child. I couldn’t actually picture what a soul looked like so I envisioned it as sort of a translucent stadium horn, and for years that’s what I thought a soul was. Later on I decided that a soul was your exact replica, only inside you taking up just a little bit less space than your physical body – otherwise how could it fit inside of you?

Right? Makes sense doesn’t it?

Christianity isn’t the only religion that believes in a soul. Pretty much all of the major religions, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism also believe in a soul. They all disagree on what happens to your soul when you die. For example, in Christianity you can either go to Heaven or Hell, but for Hindus and Buddhists you got to come back. God, that’s got to suck. At least in Christianity and Islam you have a chance for eternal paradise, but with those other two you know you’re going to be right back where you started out from the first time. Nice.

Most of the time you only get one soul, but in some esoteric literature there are postulated to be five or six different spiritual bodies that you possess. I have no idea how that would work out. One soul inside of one body I can understand but six, one inside of another seems illogical. What would be better is one soul and many physical bodies at the same time. That way you could decide who you wanted to be on any particular day and take that body out for a spin, much like fabulously rich celebrities have multiple cars that they can use.

I don’t believe in a soul, exactly (since you’ve been wondering) but I go for what I call the quantum physics multidimensional multiverse version of having a soul. You see, our world actually has many more than the accepted four dimensions of classical physics, but instead exists in several dimensions and many other universes. Thus, we are multidimensional beings existing in all of those dimensions and therefore locality and serial time are merely illusions of our apparent four dimensions.

Sorry, that’s the best I can explain it. But it works out. Trust me.

Once when I was in college I was playing poker with some other college buddies, one of whom was an avowed atheist. We were playing penny ante, mostly just for fun. Of course, no one much had a lot of money so even the few dollars that changed hands was high stakes for us. The avowed atheist went bust and I offered to front him some money for the deed to his soul – fifty cents, I recall. Enough to get the atheist back in the game.

He refused and I absolutely couldn’t fathom that. Why wouldn’t he want four free bits? Obviously he wasn’t a very good atheist because that should have been an offer that he should have jumped at, but for some reason he wouldn’t. All I was asking for was a deed to something that he told us he thought was entirely imaginary. I’d bet if I asked him for the deed to the Easter Bunny he would have bit, but not this. He had no courage of his convictions, which disappointed me.

Many years later it occurred to me that maybe the reason he wouldn’t put up the deed to his soul was because he’d gambled it away previously. Come to think about it, I should look on e-bay to see if that’s what happened and it’s still up for sale. It would probably bring in a lot more than the fifty cents I offered.

By the way, has anybody ever put their soul up for sale on e-bay? If not, I freely give that idea to anyone who wants to, since I’m way too superstitious to do it myself. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll check e-bay to see if it’s possible to buy a soul and how much they go for. Maybe I’ll even get one for myself.

I’ll bet it looks like a stadium horn.

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A Deep Look into Soap Operas

You have got to love soap operas. From the intricate plots and finely woven webs of deceit, to the depths of schemes, they were, are and always will be classics. They are timeless. I wrote this article as my take on them back in 1970 when filling white space for our high school paper. Watch a few soap operas for the next few days and see for yourself how closely they resemble soap operas 36 years ago…

And now for that thought provoking question that plagues men’s souls unceasingly through the bright shining of the day and through the untold dark depths of the night:

Why did Peter, who in reality is actually Superman, fake that he stubbed his toe on the 17th stone on the sidewalk starting at 4th and Grand instead of the 16th stone, which was bigger and more logically the victim of that invulnerable toe and why did Marlys take Sam’s advice to buy the yellow tulip instead of the red and green carnation, while all the time Rodregus knew that the curvaceous young Pandora was at the moment buying the last purple, double-breasted, duck-billed, warbling giraffe in the world for her dear departed Phillip disguised as a lowly second mate on the Queen Mary, which was under attack by the tyrant Cedric because of the terrible beating he had suffered at the hands of Radcliff whose ex-wife Natalie was actually Percival’s long lost great-great-uncle Maximillian in disguise who knew that Zigmond was fond of un-pitted olives stuffed into green grapefruit filled graciously with Granny and Gretchen’s goulash, which was gradually getting gooey and who also knew of Jennifer’s contact Louella in the deep Congo, seized at the time by the dread Gardenia, the 7th cousin of Guenivere, in hopes of receiving the eight-ounce bottle of Elmer’s Glue stored in the vast files in the cortex of Courtney’s colossal computer complex carefully compiled to correct the current curling, commonly crusading as the contagious, communicable, crystalline, cucumber crud, carried on cue sticks by crying cuckoo clock birds continuously to conform with the cunning Cornelius’ cumbersome plot to corrupt the currency and continue the crisis of the Cormandel Coast Cult, complicated by the coroner Cort’s corny connotation to conceal his consecutive coronary contractions constantly crippling his conscious efforts to contradict congenial counterparts’ careful counterfeit correspondence with Corwyn, the cosmic cosmetician?

Was it because Bill had green eyes or was it because Melissa meddled menacingly and meticulously in Maude’s plans to read the calendar to see what year she had been sent to by her superiors in the future?

Tune in tomorrow for the exciting climax created by another deep question.

Read more: A Deep Look into Soap Operas

Multiple sclerosis types

Multiple sclerosis is not a very spread condition, but it can do a lot of damage. Multiple sclerosis affects the nerves of your central nerve system, causing many problems. Depending on the symptoms that you have, multiple sclerosis can be of three types. The type of multiple sclerosis that one can suffer from are: relapsing- remitting, secondary progressive and primary progressive multiple sclerosis.

The first type of multiple sclerosis is relapsing remitting. In almost seventy percent of all multiple sclerosis patients, this condition starts with relapsing and remitting. What this actually means is that in this case of multiple sclerosis, there are periods of relapse that can come quite sudden and periods of remission. In the relapse period of multiple sclerosis, the symptoms will flare up, sometimes out of the blue. This period will be followed by a remission one, in which the multiple sclerosis symptoms have the tendency to improve. The secondary progressive multiple sclerosis type can appear after you have had the fist type of multiple sclerosis for a longer period of time. In this second multiple sclerosis case, the remission periods will start to shorten and the symptoms of multiple sclerosis to agravate. More than half of the multiple sclerosis patients that have suffered from the first type of multiple sclerosis will develop the second progressive type in almost ten years. The third multiple
sclerosis type is primary progressive. This is the worst case of multiple sclerosis that one can suffer from. Almost three out of twenty people suffering from multiple sclerosis have no period of remission and their multiple sclerosis symptoms get worse by the days. In this particular multiple sclerosis case, the live expectancy period is reduced.

Multiple sclerosis is a very unpredictable disease. There can be as many as ten years between flare-ups of multiple sclerosis. Others may have these multiple sclerosis flare- ups more frequent. If men develop multiple sclerosis in their middle age and it is also the first time that they have multiple sclerosis, the progress of the disease can be very rapid and can cause a lot of damage. To diagnose multiple sclerosis is not a very easy thing. Doctors must do some tests, see what the symptoms are and rule out other medical conditions before diagnosing you with multiple sclerosis. An MRI, a spinal tap or neuropsychological tests are some of the procedures that a doctor has to do to confirm the multiple sclerosis diagnose.

Read more: Multiple sclerosis types

Bad Jokes for April Fools’ Day

April 1st is a wonderful day when we are free to make jokes, pranks and gags on our relatives, friends and colleagues. However, the question is; why is it that human nature provokes us to laugh at the expense of others like we do on April Fools’ Day?

Let’s observe the typical structure of a joke. It consists of two “messages” or, in general, “impacts”. The first one is usually used to transfer some kind of misleading information to a person. At this point the information looks like a simple truth that people have no reason to doubt. Therefore a person begins to believe this information is really true. At the moment when a person puts absolute truth in new information the second “impact” is made. It usually contains contrary information, somewhat like this: “Relax, it is just a joke”.

This kind of joke is harmful to a person’s mental state because each of us has his/her own “picture of reality”. The information, which is in conflict with our “picture”, enforces us to make certain efforts to change that “picture”. This process is quite unpleasant, especially when a very important part of the “picture” needs to be changed. So, that is why jokes may be very harmful, even if done with best intentions.

At that, it doesn’t matter how “good” or “bad” the first “message” (or “impact”) is. Here is an example:

1st message: – Hello Mary! Did you know your husband died?

2nd message: – Relax it is just an April 1st joke.

If Mary loves her husband, then the first message is a shock for her. Even the second message cannot compensate her stress. If Mary hates her husband, then the first message may even cause her to be delighted. But the second message immediately “turns off” her delight. Regardless the April 1st joke provokes a person to feel strong emotions which are later taken away from them.

Here is another very bad April 1st joke.

In connection with all these considerations the only acceptable jokes are those, which we all remember from our school years. For example, placing a sticker on a person’s back or singing a song whilst altering the words to parody news current news topics.

Read more: Bad Jokes for April Fools’ Day

Starting Model Helicopter Hobby – How To Choose The Right Helicopter

If you cannot afford to buy full size Schweizer 300 or a Robinson R22 or any private helicopter being sold on the market, but have a great desire to own a helicopter or have a great interest on helicopters, there is one thing that suites you best: buying, building, and collecting model helicopters.

From kids and kids at heart, collecting model helicopters has become one of the more popular hobbies. Some collect model helicopters that really fly. There are those who prefer to build model helicopters by themselves to add to their ever-growing collection.

Imagine a display of all the types of helicopters produced over the years lining side by side in one room.

If you want to start the hobby, you can start on one model and start from there. You have several options. You can either go for flying model helicopters. You can also start with a scale-model plastic helicopter. There are model helicopters that are made from wood.

If you prefer real flying model helicopters, you still have several options. You can either go for gas rc helicopter or electric rc helicopter. Usually, beginners tend to buy electric helicopter because it is much cheaper than gas rc’s. It is also easy to fly and less complicated. But if you thing you can handle the noise and if you are up for the thrill of the engined model helicopter, then gas rc is for you although it may cost you more both on maintenance and initial cost.

If you prefer building model helicopter for your personal gallery, then you have several helicopter models to choose from. Scale models such as Mi-28 HOVOC, Augusta A-109, Whirlwind, Mangusta, Huey Hog, AH-6J, Mi-24 Hind, Bell 412, SH-60B, RAH-66, 500D CHP, EC-135 Eurocopter and more are just waiting to be build by your own hands.

If you prefer military helicopters, you can get scale models such as FL 282, H-25, S-55, Rotodyne, Bo 102, H-1 Huey, Sea King, Mi-2, OH-6, Filper, H-46, Chinook, AH-56, Mi-24, Mi-26, Ka-27, XV-15, Bell 206, Puma, XCH-62, S-67, Blackhawk, Apache, Lama, S-72, Dauphin, Mi-28, Mangusta, Ka-50, Super Cobra, Tiger, NH-90, OH-1, V-22, ALH, and Comanche.

These models are also available in woodcarvings carefully handcrafted to come out as a perfect replica of the original helicopter. It can cost at around $100 to $500 depending on the type of wood used and how much detail was put to the model. Meanwhile plastic models could cost around $7 to as much as $50 while the rc model helicopters could cost at around $100 to over $1000. Helicopters are measured in terms of passenger capacity, comfort, versatility, speed, and of course cost.

Choosing the right one for you depends on these criteria. For example, if you want a cost effective helicopter strictly for personal use, you can take the Schweizer 300 or the Robinson R22 (helicopter for 2). It has basic comfort and few features. The exact opposite are the McDonnell-Douglas 500, Enstrom Shark, and the Agusta 109A. They are fast and more convenient to fly.

In between these 2 extremes are Eurocopter Squirrel and the Bell Jet Ranger. These are single turbine-engined helicopter that are more commonly used for filming work and charter flying. The Eurocopter Squirrel and the Bell Jet Ranger are agile, fast, and comfortable, but are constrained to fly on a fair weather. This is not the case with the Sikorsky S76 and The Eurocopter Dauphin 2 which can fly at 200mph and can accommodate up to 14 people safely and comfortably.

With these, we can narrow down your selection into 3:

Light Piston-engined Types – If you want a cheap personal helicopter that could sit for two, the Schweizer 300 or the Robinson R22 would be your choice. They can fly at the speed of 80-110 mph. With a seating capacity and small size, these helicopters are light, easy to fly, and easy to maneuver. Surprisingly, the light piston-engined helicopters use a more expensive fuel than that of the kerosene based turbine engines but they consume less fuel. However, the Schweizer 300 or the Robinson R22 is less buyable for charter and corporate use. They are more popular, however, on training and personal use.

Light turbine helicopters – McDonnell Douglas 500E, Eurocopter Squirrel and the (Agusta) Bell Jet Ranger are widely used around the world for its practicality and mid-range amenities, comfort, size, speed, versatility and price. Private owner often prefer light turbine helicopters among other types for these given reasons. The look is sporty and performance is almost perfect (if not perfect).

Twin Engined Helicopters – Stronger, safer, faster and more versatile helicopters are the likes of the Dauphin, Sikorsky S-76, Agusta 109, and Eurocopter Twin Squirrel. These are powered by 2 engines and can go places that other smaller helicopters can’t go. These are far better choice for high-end market with high price bracket.

Read more: Starting Model Helicopter Hobby – How To Choose The Right Helicopter

A Curious Mother’s Day Story, Salome & Herodias

SALOME and HERODIAS,

A CURIOUS MOTHER’S DAY STORY©

Reprinted with permission from The Perspicacious Woman OnLine©
April, 2003 issue, Volume 3:Number 2
Publisher, The Daisy Shop, women’s couture resale
http://www.daisyshop.com

Barbara Nell

First, a disclaimer:

This article requires information about John the Baptist, whose life and works and words are holy, divinely inspired, to Christians. The sources I’ve accessed are religious, historical, literary, exegetic, and anecdotal. In order to avoid disrespect for the sacredness of the words and concepts with which Christians hold The Gospels and with which Jews hold The Torah, I’ve renamed both ‘translated redactions.’ I also use the euphemism, monotheistic god, to avoid any disrespect to any deity and religion. This is an essay designed to entertain and inform you, Dear Reader, not to cause any religious discussion or foment.

Second, a thank you:

To friend Pam and friend Vanessa, both of whom got my research juices going on Salome, whom, I believed, was trivial, too trivial even for our newsletter. It boiled down to “Who did she do the belly dance for?” I hadn’t a clue, because I didn’t think she was real. They both assured me she was a real person. I checked it out. Yup, she was real and…

…she may have danced or may not have danced. But, if she did dance, it wasn’t a belly dance that she did, nor was it a tap, the tango, or the quick step. The belly dance aspect was imagined in the late 19th century by some artistic guy, and we’ll get there, later, when it’s timely. She did perform, that much is true, and she performed for the host, her stepfather, at the instigation of the hostess, her mother, and their banquet guests.

It was an entertainment interlude, and it occurred about the 1st century AD in a castle located in area called The Galilee. She may have performed in a play about some Greek mythological character or she may have been the one non-Bedouin ( a guest) in a troop of Bedouin entertainers who did folk dances that non-Bedouins enjoyed seeing. If it was the former, the structure of the play was rigid: it was a pantomime, with stringed instrumentals to keep the story line going, mime actors of both genders, all adults, and young children acrobatics of both genders. Everyone was masked. This was a troop of professional entertainers on the payroll of biggies, not a traveling group (a type not yet invented). They were probably on the payroll of her stepfather and she had time to practice with them before the banquet.

If it was the latter, it was a dance, one with a lot of whirling and head tossing, by females in heavy blue robes with cowls, and there was a flute accompaniment. The company did not live in The Galilee, but were nomads from the desert between The Galilee and Arabia, who had come by request of the biggie. It is unlikely that Bedouin dancers were involved in this banquet, for they had to walk a fine line in their desert migrations, land that abutted both The Galilee and Arabia at that time There was bad blood between Aretas IV King of Arabia and Antipas, stepfather of Salome, Tetrarch of The Galilee, the place where the banquet and the entertainment took place and the place where Salome lived. And, Salome would not have had time to practice the whirling and head tossing before the banquet.

So, it was a Roman style play about Greek mythology that was probably performed as the intermediate event between courses or the closing event of a posh banquet. The host, her stepfather, was a Herod we’ll call Antipas, (not as high as a King) and the hostess, her mother, was named Herodias (a former Queen, divorced from her 1st husband, Phillip, a King, and now married to a mere Tetrarch, making her a Tetrarchess, I guess). These were minor players in the times’ political stage and the definition of ‘posh’ was relative to their stature…minor. The guest list contained: nobles visiting from Rome, Roman nobles stationed in The Galilee by Rome, aristocrats from The Galilee and maybe Judea, and Antipas’ Steward, Chuza. Some sources say the banquet was thrown by Herodias because it was Antipas’ birthday, an unnecessary embellishment, to my way of thinking. Most sources are silent about the reason for the banquet, so I tend to go with most when it’s a fact such as this kind.

Any banquet takes preparation, whether you’re a Queen, a Tetrarchess, or merely the wife of a mope. So, along with the timing, guest list, menu, food preparation, and seating plan, Herodias prepared for the entertainment. She had to decide that Salome’s participation in the entertainment would be the thing to do long before the banquet took place. Herodias is described as a savvy kind of gal by the benign tellers of the tale (she’s vilified by most) and Salome was her only child (by Phillip), so she probably made time to watch Salome rehearse. A lot was riding on Salome being real real good. Nothing anywhere says whether Salome wanted to be a part of the entertainment or was unwilling to be a part of the entertainment.

Herodias planned a staid, Roman affair. It could not have been a bacchanal type banquet (similar to the present Wild On’s on E!), as some sources suggest. There were stringent Roman rules about highborn women and what they can attend and do in while in attendance. Herodias was high born and from Judea. (Antipas, her second husband, was not as high born, coming from an Idumean father and possibly a Samarian mother.)

Salome was just a kid at the time of the banquet. Some sources say she was a teenager, but they have to in order for other parts of the legend to fit. (We’ll get to the other parts later.) I doubt if she was a nubile teenager. She was royalty, a Princess, in fact, with very good blood on her mother’s side, Maccabean blood, which was respected even by Rome, who, by the way, had conquered Judea (and The Galilee) long before this time and made this area a part of their Empire. Modesty and chastity were required for this type female from a Roman standpoint and a Maccabean standpoint (her bloodline was matriarchal). She had to be dutiful, respectful, and learn at her mother’s knee, an important custom amongst the Maccabean women. She was a good kid. So, she couldn’t have been a teenager and allowed to perform. It would diminish her future value in the marriage market, Roman or otherwise, and it would have been a sin. I would opine she had to be less than Nadia Comaneci’s age when she blew away the Olympic judges in 1976, but she was probably just as agile.

It’s probable that Herodias recognized her daughter’s agility long before the banquet, for kids have a tendency to display what they’re good at long before there’s a use for the tendency. It could have been a genetic throwback to the time before the Maccabees were promoted to highborn, the time when the men were just about the best guerilla fighters in Judea and found the mountainous regions around Judea excellent terrain to entice their foes into combat. She was probably proud of this tendency and tedious of this tendency (“Watch me, Momma,” once too often can be tedious.) and savvy enough to see a utilization for her own good. This also pre-supposes that Herodias might have had more contact in Salome’s upbringing than Roman highborn mothers, for Maccabean women were responsible for (both gender) children to ‘learn at their knee’ a minimum of 613 rules the monotheistic god required of adherents, or that there was a lot of contact between highborn mothers and their daughters at that time. In either case, Herodias planned the banquet and the entertainment and included her agile daughter in the entertainment, making sure Salome rehearsed and would do a good job in the acrobatic kid part of the troop…a multi-tasking woman for sure.

Protocol at posh and formal banquets where Roman mucky mucks were invited was stringent. This would have been very important to Antipas, also. He had been raised in Rome (maybe even a hostage child) and the land he administered at the time of the banquet had been bequeathed to him by Rome. Augustus (of the Cleopatra story) had handled the apportioning of Antipas’ father’s enormous estate when he, known as Herod the Great, died. Antipas was not happy with the way Poppa’s estate was apportioned, felt he had gotten the short stick amongst his four brothers. (He had.) He would have been very, very Roman at this Roman banquet in order to make nice and have this get back to Rome.

The men would have reclined on the equivalent of 1st century Barco-Loungers and ate lovely things and drank lovely wine moderately, while trading amusing stories and quips and bantering amongst each other. I’m not sure just what bantering is, but I am sure they bantered. They would have been arranged in a horseshoe U pattern. The women guests and their hostess would have sat on chairs and I couldn’t figure out where the chairs were placed, within the horseshoe in a line or outside the horseshoe in a line. But in any case, they would have sat on fancy, but hard backed, chairs in a line and would not have eaten or drunken wine, but I suggest they may have bantered. Their job was to just sit, all gussied up and smellin’ good. (They would eat and drink, later, when they got home or when the guests left, depending on your perspective.)

Salome could not have been invited. If she had been invited, she would have left her fancy, hard-backed chair vacant in order to get into costume and perform. Antipas would have noticed the empty chair and have asked someone, “Where did the kid go?” And, someone would have said, “She’s going to perform.” That would have taken the drama out of this next part of the story. Let’s agree; she was not invited to the banquet.

At the proper time, the play was performed, and the audience clapped after it was over. Antipas complimented the performers, then singled one out. Because it was Salome that was singled out, I believe she was one of the masked acrobats. It only makes sense. Antipas apparently didn’t recognize the stepdaughter he had raised since infancy as the excellent acrobat in the play. Rather, he thought her one of the professionals, for if he had recognized her, he wouldn’t have offered the giftreward. He just would have said, “Good job, sweetie. Go get washed. You’ll catch cold.” Therefore, because he didn’t recognize her, he made a magnanimous gesture (It’s not unlikely that he was showing off for the guests, for Antipas was a doodle-head, didn’t think things through. We’ll get to that, later.), and he offered the acrobat-Salome anything she desired as a gift from him for her fine performance. This is exactly what Herodias had planned to happen. She knew her guy pretty well and she knew her little girl real well. The benign tellers were right: she was a savvy gal.

Since all sources attribute what comes next as engendered by Herodias, the acrobat-Salome had to have asked him to wait a minute and had to have gone to the chair line, where her mother and the other women were sitting, otherwise Herodias would not have been associated with what comes next. (It would have been only Salome who would have been associated with what comes next.). So, the mother and daughter had to have conferred quietly, while Antipas (and the guests) watched. Perhaps, Salome said, “Euwww,” as kids do when they hear something revolting; or perhaps, not. She was a 1st century kid and they may have been different from 21st century kids. I think not. Kids are kids. She said “Euwww.” Dutifully, she listened closely to what her mother told her and she probably repeated it back to Herodias, so that she got it right and straight. Then, she, the acrobat-Salome, came back to Antipas with the gift idea: the head of the long time prisoner John (who later became John the Baptist, but who was merely the prisoner John at this time) on a platter (which was probably not a platter, but a charger).

It’s possible that he recognized Salome at this point. It doesn’t really matter. I do know he knew he had been set up by his wife, Herodias, via this acrobat-Salome, when he heard the performance reward. And he was startled and embarrassed and in a public quandary. It’s possible he questioned the acrobat-Salome with an ‘are you kidding? kind of question, while looking in Herodias’ direction, who either shrugged her shoulders or nodded ‘yes.’ From a legal standpoint, he did not have to honor this acrobat-Salome’s request, for it wasn’t hers. It was Herodias.’ It is possible that Chuza, his Steward, jumped in at this point, for he had been financing John’s nascent ministry through his wife, Elizabeth, but it’s just as possible, he did not, for that’s not how it went down.

Everyone at the banquet knew there had been a big mad between Herodias and Antipas regarding John for a long, long time. She had wanted him killed outright for talking often and badly about her and her marriage to Antipas to everyone and anyone who would listen to him. John had labeled it incestuous and it was, kind of, but by only a technicality, the small print in a big, long contract. Herodias’ first husband, the Herod we’re calling Phillip, was Antipas’ half brother. They shared the same father, Herod The Great, but had different mothers. Phillip was still living in Judea where he was King (Rome gave him a large portion of his father’s estate, larger than Antipas..) and as long as Phillip lived, Herodias and Antipas had an incestuous marriage. As soon as he died, it would be an okay marriage. But, he hadn’t died, yet.

Although it was the gossip that bothered Herodias (A good spin doctor would have helped, but they were 2000 years down the road in development.), it was the religious twist John put on the technical incest that bothered Antipas. John attributed all the stuff that had gone wrong in The Galilee since they married (and stuff had gone wrong, for Antipas was a doodle-head) to the marriage. And, John said that the monotheistic god was angry with her, more than Antipas, because of her good Maccabean blood (a mix of Idumean and Samarian blood results in a person that the monotheistic god doesn’t expect much from), and would stay angry with her and get more so, so the anger would spill over to the whole of The Galilee, until she and Antipas split (or, I guess, until Phillip died, a factor that was out of her hands).

People listened to that kind of stuff at that time and in that place and they got real scared. A monotheistic god’s anger was a terrible thing. Famine, drought, disease, pestilence, flood, invasion, even eclipse – anything could happen when a monotheistic god was angry. While there hadn’t been famine, drought, disease, pestilence, flood, invasion, or even an eclipse in The Galilee, Antipas had lost a war, his first, with Nabatea, their neighbor in Arabia.

Herodias could have been a vulnerable position should important people have listened to John’s predictions. Luckily for her, the important people had other things on their mind. Antipas said ‘no’ to killing John and ‘yes’ to imprisoning him, believing that would shut John up. Some sources said Antipas had a feeling that John’s predictions were true; others said he had a feel for the monotheistic deity. Still others say he was merely acting like a political animal, notably, a fox. At any rate, John was not killed, but imprisoned, and he had been languishing in the prison for many years at the time of the banquet.

Now, killing a local prisoner was no big deal anywhere in the 1st century world of the Roman Empire and having a prisoner killed to reward an agile acrobat was stretching the reward idea, but… it could work. The thing is that the head on a plattercharger was the note that made it a bigger deal. This touch was a gruesome, certainly barbaric, dramatic thing and would cause a scandal and gossip all over Judea and in Rome, what Antipas did not need if he were to ever get any more land from his dead father’s estate from Rome. (And it did, for Flavius Josephus in his book, “Antiquities,” writing to and for Rome about 100 years after the event ,included the event for it was still so juicy. This, by the way, is how we know about some parts of it.) (An important question occurs to me and that is this: How and where did Herodias get this notion? Two ideas come to mind: (1) the Greek myth of Perseus and Medusa and their fight to death: Perseus won. He decapitated Medusa and waved her head around and took it a bunch of places as a talisman. It must have been awful after a time. Maybe that’s where she got it, for she was well educated. (2) A similar event took place in Rome 50 years earlier: Pemejus, a political competitor to Julius, lost his political battle, and his foes brought Julius, the winning Caesar, his head. She might have heard this gossip. Perhaps, she then pragmatically adapted decapitation to the situation at hand. Beheading was a popular type of death and an honorable type of execution for criminals and warriors amongst the Romans and the Maccabees and the Arabians. This, I discovered, from plunking around on the Internet to some very weird websites. I don’t recommend you check this out for yourself. Truthfully, I cannot imagine where she got this embellishment. One of these weird websites calls her talented.)

The doodle-head complied.

A messenger was sent to the fortress named Macharerus (now called Mukawir) in an area called The Perea (now part of Amman, Jordan) where John was imprisoned. A nameless guard cut off his head, and got a messenger to convey it to the castle somewhere in The Galilee, where the banquet guests were waiting, the males still bantering with one another, I guess, to pass the time; the females still sitting quietly on their hard chairs, smellin’ good. The acrobat-Salome probably went off somewhere to bathe and change clothes, then returned to the banquet room to stand next to her (talented) Momma or stand with the performers. The guards put the headless body somewhere, waited for further orders.

I couldn’t find out how far away the area The Parea was from The Galilee, for I couldn’t pin down exactly what city the castle was located in the area known as The Galilee, then, the area where the banquet occurred. Let’s believe it wasn’t terribly far, so the messenger conveying the head could get from there to there quick. He arrived and a kitchen servant brought a plattercharger (No one knows if it was a platter made out of silver, gold, porcelain, or stoneware. In fact, no one cared. Furthermore, it may not have been a platter, but a charger, which is larger than a plate and smaller than a platter and rested under a plate at a table service and was often of precious metal. Since it’s a Roman banquet, people took morsels of this and that from servant-held chargers, didn’t have a table service at all. They were reclining.) Another servant, a serving type, brought the head to the banquet hall and stood in front of Antipas. It’s possible he directed the servant to acrobat-Salome, who took the plattercharger and gave it to her Mother. One redactor source makes Herodias even more gruesome stating: she got a sword and stabbed the tongue. This is an embellishment that even Flavius Josephus didn’t believe, so he doesn’t mention it. What she really did with it, I don’t know. (People who thought John had a direct line to the monotheistic god requested his body and his head from Antipas, who released both parts to them. They took it to an area called Samaria, which was close to The Perea, and buried it.)

What happened after this part of the banquet took place, I don’t know. I imagine some guy yawned and said, “It’s been quite an evening. I think it’s time to get going.” And the guests all went to their lodgings. It’s probable that Antipas and Herodias had a long conversation, after the guests left. When they were alone in their private rooms, he probably opened the conversation with: “We never talk anymore, Herodias. Tell me what’s going on with you.” Salome, who had been up long past her normal bedtime, was probably overtired and went to sleep or was put to sleep immediately.

And there you have it. Salome didn’t dance, didn’t wear veils, and had a strong bond with her Mother.

To discover how the belly dance became associated with Salome, we have to veer away from her. It’s Herodias and John who carry the story line forward.

At the time of the banquet, Herodias was the 2nd wife of Antipas, and they had been married for about 10 years. (Antipas was the only father Salome had known.) Salome’s biological father was Phillip, who was King of Judea, a large land mass, much larger than the area called The Galilee, and he and Herodias were divorced when Salome was about 1 year old. Herodias had been an important wife when Phillip was first made King by Rome because of her Maccabean blood. The Maccabees had been rulers of Judea long before Phillip came on board, but through a lot of circumstances, Judea was ruled by the Herod bunch and had accepted Rome’s yoke by that time. The Maccabees were prolific (as was Herod The Great), and there was a large pool of eligible Maccabean women for rulers to marry. It was a stable region in Rome’s empire. In any event, the divorce was with Rome’s permission. Phillip was allowed to marry some one else with Rome’s permission, and I didn’t check out whom. He never asked for visitation rights.

Some sources say Antipas first met Herodias when Herodias was on a trip to Rome with Phillip petitioning Rome for something or another at the same time that Antipas was in Rome (alone) petitioning Rome, yet again, for the title of King and more land from his father’s estate, neither of which Rome never granted him in his lifetime. I don’t think it matters how they met. They met, they talked, a deal was struck.

I don’t know why Herodias left Queenship of Judea to become a Tetrarch’s wife. There are always sources that attribute lust to this sort of situation, and these sources do arise in this story, some attributing lust to Herodias, others attributing lust to Antipas. Personally, I find lust a poor reason. A Queen, one of royal blood, just doesn’t think lust. She thinks power and lineage. A tetrarch, although not as powerful as a King, doesn’t have to go far from his little castle, even as far as Judea, to satisfy a lustful thought. An unhappy Tetrarch thinks power and lineage, too. Maybe it was her Maccabean blood and her Maccabean ties that Antipas thought would help him become a King of a landmass that included Judea, which her ancestors ruled before Rome put the Herods there. Maybe she thought The Galilee plus Judea is bigger than just Judea. Maybe she thought that The Galilee plus Arabia, which abutted The Galilee, is bigger than Judea should Antipas go to war for the Arabian territory. In any event, she left Phillip before the divorce (which came through quickly) and went to Antipas’ puny area, The Galilee.

She also jumped the gun. Antipas was not yet rid of his first wife, Phasaelis, when Herodias and the baby arrived. And, he hadn’t petitioned Rome to get rid of Phasaelis and marry Herodias. Although Phasaelis was a Princess by blood and the daughter of a powerful neighbor and King, Aretas IV of Nabatea (Arabia), Antipas decided to circumvent Rome by merely ‘putting her aside,’ an ignominy. This was not nice. Phasaelis went home to Poppa (and took the kids, if there were any with her and Antipas) who bided his time a bit, then attacked The Galilee, because of the dishonor.

Troops from all of Herod the Great’s sons (half-brothers to a man) jumped in to help The Galilean troops, even Phillip (inherited family land was a big thing; a former wife was nothing) and Roman legions jumped in to help, too. But land was lost and that, by definition, means The Galileans lost the war. He never did divorce Phasaelis and she never returned to him.

Herodias stayed put and she and Antipas married (with Rome’s permission, whose attitude toward provinces was very pragmatic: the war is over; they lost; let ’em marry; who gives a damn) and lived in a castle somewhere in The Galilee with the baby.

Antipas’ reputation went from an annoying pest to miserable in Rome’s eyes because of this double screw up (stupidly and unnecessarily dishonoring a neighbor’s daughter thereby incurring an unnecessary troop expense on Rome’s tab and loosing land to a King who was not conquered by Rome). He decided to Make It Better. Tiberius was now the Caesar and Antipas decided to build a city to honor him. He commandeered land in The Galilee and his construction people began building a city. But, Antipas and his building contractors either didn’t do their homework, or if they did, they didn’t think it through. The land upon which the city was being built was a cemetery, sacred ground to every person in the world then as well as today. There was an uprising amongst the folk that local troops could not quell. Again, Rome had to help Antipas out, for Judea wouldn’t, since they sided with the people, not Antipas. The people were quelled and the city was built. It remained uninhabited. No one would go there to live no matter how sweet the pot Antipas created (free homes, free land, tax abatement). Rome had to send troops to forcibly move families to Tiberius and to guard them so they wouldn’t move out in the dark of the night. Flavius Josephus liked this morsel a lot when he heard of it. He checked around and then comments that riff-raff were recruited to populate the city. He observes that even the riff-raff were afraid of the monotheistic god, so local holy people made a rule: the new settlers would only be defiled for 7 days, then everything would be okay.

And life went on in The Galilee.

John, during some of this, had been going about his business in The Galilee. One particular thing he did caught on amongst the folk. No one knew what to call it, so it had two different names: sprinkling and lave-ing, both of which were already accepted cleansing rites in most, if not all, religions before that time and during that time in that area and most of the known world. Water was always the cleansing agent and John
used the nearby Jordan River as the sprinkling and lave-ing site. What John did was total body immersion, a new twist, one the people liked a lot, for it made sense to them and made them feel good and purified from sins committed previously. This total body immersion always occurred after John would talk about sinning and give definitions. He would call for penitents, people who wanted to cleanse themselves. They would step forward and get in a line, so he could do them one-by-one. He had set himself up as a person who knew what the monotheistic deity expected of good folk (mostly it was to stop acting like Romans and revert to the Galilean ways, the ones prevalent before Rome took over the area). While he was in prison and after his death, other people did the immersion for him. What he had said before he was imprisoned was credible to the folk.

But then, John was imprisoned and killed years after he was imprisoned.

Very soon a very lot of other things happened in The Galilee. These events were written down and pondered and interpreted by brilliant, eloquent, and sincere men, three of whom decided that John and what he said and his immersion twist was a ceremony that would be important to incorporate as a ritual for their testimonials. They were the redactors whose words have been translated and pondered for centuries. Their decision caused his death to be discussed (and his childhood, parents, vocation, inspiration, relationships, etc. to be determined) and this is how Herodias’ name was never forgotten.

The earliest redactor, a stickler for details, had a problem with her daughter’s name, when he read Flavius Josephus, who says ‘a damsel, the daughter of Herodias, brought the head…’ in his book to Rome. This was not good enough for him. He did some easy homework, for Herodias’ royal lineage was known and available. He determined that Herodias’ daughter was named Salome. This was not good homework. Herodias was Maccabean. No Maccabee, male or female, would ever name a child for a still living person, let alone the actual name of a relative, this case, a blood aunt, who was living at the time of her daughter’s birth. But, it’s all we have, so she must remain misnamed Salome (which means ‘peace,’ a nice touch, don’t you think?) when John’s beheading is talked about and when Herodias’ progeny is included.

And this is how Salome and Herodias and John were tied together forever more. Many centuries have to pass by before the triangle comes into focus again. We have to wait for society to go from antiquity all the way to modern…at least 1,970 years or so. More specifically, we have to wait for a religion to formalize; we have to wait until John’s contributions become important and incorporated; we have to wait for churches to be invented; we have to wait for representational art to be used for something other than decorative purposes; we have to allow for the Bubonic Plague interlude when absolutely nothing happened except the death of millions; we have to wait for literacy to occur; we have to wait for Gutenberg and his printing press; we have to wait for portraiture to be invented.

Once churches were invented, representational art was applied as a method to tell the stories to the illiterate devout people. The triangle story was not as popular as other stories, so it was represented only some times. The scene chosen was most always was when the plattercharger is proffered takes place. No one character of the triangle is more important that the other. It’s the story behind the scene that’s important, and that is John’s death (but not as a martyr, I don’t think, but I may be wrong). Typical friezes and frescos from churches in the early 14th show the scene with figures that are medieval in demeanor and costume. That’s what the medieval people needed; that’s what they got. Their eyes could roam the church for something to center on, if their attention drifted from the devotions at hand.

Everything gets pretty quiet everywhere, beginning 1330, when the first Bubonic Plague episode begins and we have to wait a long time, about 150 years, for normalcy to occur.

In 1485, the beheading surfaces. Portraiture had been invented by then, and art has gone into homes of wealthy people, who ask artists to do pictures for them, often of them and their family members. One type of portraiture allowed the viewer to be a voyeur, to glimpse an intimate scene, a freeze frame, if you will, from a larger story, if the artist was good. Religious art was a popular theme. The artist selected the motif and there was a lot of symbolism to get the whole story line into the canvas. It’s Salome and the plattercharger that’s chosen, when this subject is chosen at all, and truth be told, it’s lousy, static portraiture. She’s not portrayed as a child, but she’s not portrayed as a woman, either. “Damsel,” was apparently interpreted as that twilight zone a female has between childhood and woman. I don’t know why the subject matter was chosen by the patron or the artist, who apparently just couldn’t get into ‘it.’ I guess my opinion was shared by the patrons from 500+ years back, for this theme dies out.

John and his sainthood, not his death or Herodias or Salome, become the theme of most art, and we have to wait until 1630 to find the others of the triangle depicted again.

In 1630, a blockbuster piece of art is produced (my opinion) that asks you to consider Herodias, not John. It’s my absolute favorite, by a guy named Francesco del Cairo, “Herodias with Head of John the Baptist.” It is so different from all others than came before (and after). Is she exhausted, meditative, musing, or in a trance? A closer look might surprise you. Could she possibly be holding his tongue while on the verge of stroking his hair? I believe she is. What could del Cairo have been thinking? What is he asking us to believe about Herodias? Frankly, I don’t wanna go there. No one else did either, for depictions of Herodias (and Salome) simply stop until the 1800’s and John in his sainthood continue…with one exception.

Because of a single painting of Herodias by Paul Delaroche in 1843, it’s the literary arts, the poets and authors and playwrights, who pick up the story and fiction supercedes reality. Herodias, first, and Salome, next, sans John, are the motifs for the first time. They move from real people to fictional characters.

Delaroche shows Herodias as exotic (read, non-European) (The euphemism used for most any type non-European at that time was Occidental.), regal (He did his homework.), authentically dressed (more good homework), and very, very lovely. The look on her face is open to interpretation. Has the grotesque event occurred or not yet? Is she serene or is she challenging us to question her? I don’t know who is represented in the background, for it certainly cannot be Salome. Herodias is a person in her own right. I would like to tie Delaroche’s interpretation to having viewed del Cairo (although I don’t know if this occurred, not having the resources to track the provenance of the del Cairo picture to align its location with Delaroche’s life).

Apparently Heinrich Heine, a German poet of some renown, was enchanted by the picture. He wrote a poem in 1843, “Atta Troll,” which sources say is a mock epic about Herodias. I was unable to find an English translation, so I have to accept what sources say as true. What I do know is that an epic is a very long and twisted story (the Iliad and the Odyssey are epics) about fanciful adventures of a protagonist (usually heroic) in pursuit of good end. How Heine got enough ideas about Herodias, who was minor in the first place and arcane by this time, to go on and on about her pursuit of an end, good or not good, I don’t know. I guess that’s called talent. In any event, he catapults Herodias (and the triangle) back into the minds of artistic people and they make her (and the triangle) interesting enough for public contemplation.

This mock epic and Delaroche’s painting next enchanted Stephane Mallarme, another poet of some renown, a Frenchman. He got his juices flowing and wrote a poem in 1869, “Herodiade,” whose English translation I was unable to find. I have absolutely no idea what his poem says. Critics say she described sultry (for the first time). I have to believe that Mallarme associated Occidental with sultry, not an uncommon association amongst fanciful European guys. Herodias is changing to heroic (maybe if Heine’s epic shows her to be this), Occidental, and sultry (read sexy).

All this got a French artist (of some renown) all excited. Gustave Moreau pondered the triangle and centered on Salome, instead of Herodias. He figured if Herodias was sultry, then Salome was more sultry. I don’t know why, but that’s what he did. He worked and worked this theme and ended up with a bunch of pictures with her as the (undressed) focal point, a first in Salome’s depictions, and threw in John’s head to make it all understandable. They were finished in 1876. All are amazing. The very last time Salome was the chosen subject matter was in 16th century (bad) portraiture. She’s always holding the plattercharger and has a boring look on her face and is all dressed up in 16th century costume. What the hell did Heine’s mock epic and Mallarme’s poem allude to with regard to Salome? I don’t know.

Anyway, Gustave Flaubert, a French writer of some renown, apparently read Heine and Mallarme and saw the picture interpretations of Delaroche and Moreau. All inspired him to write a short story in 1877 about Herodias, which indicates excellent homework, by the way. This, I read, and in this short story, she is called a Jezebel, albeit an aging one, for the first time. Her daughter is described as resembling her mother in her youth. You can read it, too. Go to http://www.classicbookshelf.com/library/gustave_flaubert/herodias/0/. It’s now fictional open season on Herodias and by association, her daughter, Salome.

Then came Joris-Karl Huysman, who liked what Heine, Mallarme, and Flaubert wrote and liked Delaroche’s and Moreau’s pictures. He went with Salome, not Herodias, in 1884, for his essay, “Against the Grain.” The essay is really prose poetry in the style of “The Song of Solomon,” real, real sexy. The essay was labeled decadent after it was published. You can read it, too, if and when you get in the mood for 19th century decadence. Go to http://www.imagi-nation.com/moonstruck/salome1.html.

In the 19th century, certain people loved decadent stuff, especially the artistic types who felt stultified with conservative stuff and who felt they had to push the envelope of public taste. This decadent Salome idea percolated for ten years in Oscar Wilde’s mind before his play, “Salome,” was performed in 1893. An interesting touch was his collaboration with Aubrey Beardsley to do playbill artwork. Wilde was jailed it was so damn decadent.

Within a year after Wilde’s play, Beardsley came out with a folio of images of Salome. It’s racy for the bare breasts and belly button, but it’s also a curiously clunky, non-sexy posing of Salome. Why is her midriff covered? Why is she wearing high heeled shoes with bows at the ankle? What the hell is going on here? Mere titillation, nothing more. Shame on you, Beardsley.

Everything rested until 1905, when Richard Strauss, a German of music renown, chose Salome as his opera subject. His librettist, Hugo von Hofmannsthal, an Austrian poet of some renown, put words to the decadent musical motifs. A costume designer, whose name I could not find, turned her eastern Byzantine and gave her a harem twist and a costume of 7 veils. A choreographer had her shimmy (belly dance). In the first performance of “Salome,’ Marie Wittich, described as an ample soprano Salome, refused to do the dance or wear the costume. A nameless ballerina accommodated the scene and this became a tradition each time the opera was performed. One critic, a word wizard, called Strauss the apostle of decadence. This made the people want to see it for themselves. Strauss’ “Salome” was performed 50 times in the first two years after it was written in opera houses all over the world.

This chronicle has ended.

PS. A beheaded John, not yet a saint, is so very popular that I had to find a depiction of John with his head on. Caravaggio was quite taken with him and did a lot of versions of John with his head on.

PS. One female artist, Fra Lippinni, an Italian woman, did work on the triangle. I am disappointed with Fra. Although she chose Salome to be focal, she dressed her modestly in Medieval costume, twirling her skirts. It’s a pretty nothing picture that says more about Lippinni and her lack of inspiration and imagination (She is technically apt, I think.) than the subject matter. I think she should have tried harder to ‘get into it.’ She was a daughter once and may have been the mother of a daughter at the time the picture was painted.

Read more: A Curious Mother’s Day Story, Salome & Herodias

The Easy Way To Seduce A Woman Within Minutes Of Meeting Her

Let me make a prediction…

There are moments in your life when you just want to have sex!

While you probably know the importance of a relationship or even might be looking for that special someone, there are times when you only want to get laid.

That’s why it’s important to know how to seduce women.

Without seduction, you have little chance of having sex.

Now many guys understand the importance of seduction, but they don’t know where to start. In fact they’ve probably found that it can be quite difficult to transition from a date to “getting it on” with a woman.

If you’re one of these guys, then I don’t have to tell you that it’s frustrating to like a woman but have no clue about how to seduce her.

But allow me to let you in on a little secret…

Women like sex as much as we do!

While they pretend to be seduced, they actually probably have as much desire for sex as any man. However they’re fairly selective about the manner of their sexual encounters.

For instance, women don’t like to make the first move. Instead they want to be pursued and desired by men. In essence this means you have to have the courage and forwardness to become a seducer of women.

Even if a woman is really into you, sex won’t happen unless you make the first move. That means if she’s into you there’ll be little resistance to your seduction techniques.

Now I know you might be one of those guys who is nervous about making the first move.

If that’s the case, then you can use the following technique for progressing from a date to having sex…

It’s called ‘making a transition’

A transition is any point in any moment when you can increase intimacy with a woman.

An example would be when you’re talking to a woman and start kissing her.

In his landmark ebook, Double Your Dating, David DeAngelo discusses the importance of why transitions can pull you from one step to the next. David has stated that there are key points when you’re with a woman which provides an opportunity to take things to the next level.

The techniques covered in ‘Double Your Dating’ emphasize the importance understanding your transitional point and how to achieve it.

To go from meeting a woman to having sex, you have to plan every single escalation point and what you’ll do to make it happen. By knowing how to navigate through this process, you’ll discover that seduce women is fairly easy!

My advice for planning out your transitions is to write down all the times where you encounter a roadblock or stopping point. In order to progress past this point, you have to identify the specific action you need to take.

So think of this moment and how you’ll handle it!

Some examples could include getting a woman’s number, setting up a date, initiating physical contact, kissing her and then finally seducing her.

As I said before, identify the next step you should take, write it down and figure out how to make that transition. Then put it to memory.

By planning out your transitions, you’ll be able to rapidly seduce her with confidence and ease.

Understanding how to seduce women is a skill which can be learned. If you understand these transition techniques, you’ll be able to seduce women quickly and effortlessly.

Read more: The Easy Way To Seduce A Woman Within Minutes Of Meeting Her

Internet Money

The internet is unbelievable as a business environment. The whole Google Adsense and Adwords thing, with Pay-per-click and what not…well all of this is making people very rich. Okay, not everyone. But you can generate a substantial second income from this. Put in more time, and you can definitely quit your day job (if you have one…no assumptions here). To be honest, it isn’t that complicated. It takes a little work to get started but, once you can grasp the concepts, you are set. To this end…I have gone through a large number of internet sites that have information on this. There are a few resources that I believe are worthy of your time. I’ll say why below.

The marketing on most schemes out there is truly atrocious. Some people will be put off by it; the other group will fall for it. I am going to try to go beyond that. It can be hard to see beyond what is staring you blindly in the face (usually in great big red letters). Claims of millions and, nowadays, Paypal account statements with large transfers shown. Basically, these people are trying to sell their products. They have read their own manuals. They know about marketing, about raising hopes in people and about presenting “evidence” of the merits of their products. They exaggerate in some instances; leave out bits that have to do with your own actions. Everybody seems to do this online; however, some of these resources do have real merit, which is why I mention them here.

In my experience, it’s the little things that make a difference. You might have everything done properly, but if your introduction is missing the right punch, then you don’t get any sales. The details are important. They can be, and are usually the difference between getting a lot of money and not getting a lot of money. I feel like it’s those that cover these fine points that are the ones you want.

“I am better than you, I am a jerk etc, etc” one proclaims on his website. You can see the angle he’s going for here. It works though. He’s even had an infomercial done. This means people are buying his product. This must mean that his tips work…at least for some people. That’s really all that matters. This one is guide to basically every effective way of making money online, like a lot of others. What makes it really good is that he cuts out a lot of fluff and lays it down like it is. For me, the real clincher is the forum on the website. There are loads of people who are trying this stuff out. They like to talk about their experiences. This means you can see where mistakes have been made and where progress has been made. That’s value. People can repeatedly come back for help and advice. Not too many schemes have something like that in place.

The people factor is really important. This sort of thing has been around long enough for others to have tried it. Find out what it’s been like for them. Get a second opinion. Forums are a good place. I know my eyes still ache from all the forums I have gone through. It might not clear up all your doubts, but it will certainly eliminate some bad choices.

That brings us to the main point. It really is down to you to follow through. Whichever one you go for, it could take some time for you to start to see real results. You have to have the drive and fortitude to see it to the end. The investment is not too great, particularly in the context of the potential rewards. How brave are you?

There’s a lot of stuff on making money on the internet. You have to be careful. Most people are just looking to make a buck, but if you can just sift out the dodgy ones, there really is a lot to be gained from the right sources.

Good luck.

Read more: Internet Money

Jokes and Riddles – How To Write Them

Just listening to or reading jokes and riddles may “wake up” your brain, but it is creating them that really exercises your brainpower. The process requires you to use both logical and lateral thinking skills. How do you do it, then?

Jokes and riddle don’t come to mind randomly. In fact, after watching how many comedians create their routines, I am convinced that they use what I call “humor algorithms,” even if they do so unconsciously. You can learn to do the same, but consciously, and as an interesting brain exercise.

Joke And Riddle Algorithms

One systematic and creative humor algorithm involves starting with a word or a subject, and then fitting it into various joke and riddle “types.” For an example, I’ll start with “chair.” (I really am doing this as I write, so forgive the weak humor that is sure to result.)

The first thing I do is systematically think of all the types of chairs I can, and write them down. After that, I write down a few types of jokes, such as “puns,” “misdirection,” “differences,” and “similarities.” As I do this, it occurs to me that an electric chair might have the most potential for humor (all serious things do). Here is what I could come up with in thirteen minutes:

Differences: What is the difference between a toilet and a chair? I’m sorry, but if you don’t know, I can’t invite you over to my house!

Misdirection: Why did Charlie hate the chair they gave him for his birthday? Because they gave him the electric chair!

Similarities: What does my dog have in common with a chair? He has four legs and an IQ of zero.

Pun: Why did the customer at the motor vehicles department start rearranging seats after waiting for hours? Because he was the “chair-man of the bored.”

Writing humor isn’t necessarily easy, but it is great brain exercise. Whether it is easy or not, by using these “algorithms,” anyone can write jokes and riddles. Why not give it a try?

Read more: Jokes and Riddles – How To Write Them

A Laptop of My Own

Working from home day after day and night after night on a borrowed laptop is no fun. Especially when it is borrowed back off you. So, for that reason, I feel the time has come for a laptop of my own. Or do I want a desktop? A PC or Apple Mac? Or maybe one of those little palm-held jobs would look the part; after all, it would fit neatly in my handbag.

After much consideration and deliberation, I go full circle and end up back at the laptop. But where do I start? What are my requirements? Well, my business is a small one, so I don’t really require anything top of the range. Yet! I’ll use it mainly for article writing and up-dating my website. Oh! And maybe a spot of shopping! And I will be the only one using it. Probably!

So I have a look on the internet to find out what other people are buying. And what manufacturers are selling. Suddenly the English language becomes muffled jargon. Do I really know what I want?

What memory is required? My husband, a programmer, insists 2GB is what is called for. Added to that is the essential 2.0TB of storage! Whatever all that means! I’m not so sure! I fear he may have his own reasons for these specifications…

Dell is mentioned; so I go online for a browse. Having found one within budget that appeals and appears to tick all the boxes, I am suddenly confronted with an array of extras – all of which serve to push up the price.

So I pull the reigns in. Perhaps I don’t really need a lap-top of my own. Maybe my husband’s will suffice after all.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be – well so much for Shakespeare – it seems to work for us…

Read more: A Laptop of My Own

And To All A Goodnight!

You’ve just spent a good part of the evening preparing your baby for bed. As she falls asleep in your arms you tenderly place her in her cot; her eyes flash open and she screams the house down. So you lift her and start all over again!

One of the most frustrating things about having a baby who refuses to sleep in her cot is that you know she is exhausted – because you are also exhausted.

So is there a panacea for this timeless problem?

Routine is a great teacher. But getting into one is not so easy. It takes time and perseverance on your part. But at the end of the day it makes for a happy family.

Try to have a set bedtime. As it approaches, watch for signs that your baby is getting tired. She may cry for a prolonged period and only settle when you lift her. Or she may rub her eyes or pull at her ears. Try to notice such signs, because if she gets over-tired it will become more difficult to settle her.

A warm bath can be a wonderful way to prepare baby for sleep. You may like to try adding a few drops of essential lavender oil as it is renowned for its relaxing properties. Or add some specially formulated sleepy baby bubble bath.

Avoid playing with the baby during her bedtime bath. You do not want to get her excited as this will have the opposite effect to that intended! Simply trickle some warm bath water over her as she lies in the bath.

After bathing, many babies are very receptive to a baby massage. Play some soft music as you massage her.

You can give a dry massage, without oil, or an oily massage using extra virgin olive oil. If you do intend using any oil place a small amount of it on her inside arm and leave for about ten minutes. Check to ensure there has been no reaction before massaging her.

If she is fine, rub a small amount of oil, about the size of a ten pence coin, into your hands. This will warm the oil and not shock the baby! Do not rush the massage. Keep it slow. She will let you know if she is not happy. If this is the case, end the session. Try again the following night.

There are lots of good baby massage books available which show you a variety of massage techniques. And many organisations run free courses. Ask your health visitor to keep you informed.

After her massage, give baby a cuddle and dress her for bed. Keep your movements slow. This will ensure she stays calm.
Some babies enjoy a feed before sleeping, so you may like to feed her after her bath. If she is breastfed she may fall asleep on the breast. It is best to waken her before placing her in her cot as babies can get frightened if they awaken in different surroundings to those in which they fell asleep.

New parents, and even experienced parents, can often be indecisive about what is required for the baby to settle in her cot. Should baby go to sleep in the dark? Or should you leave a light on? Should you play music? Or is silence better?

For many parents the solution is to leave a small, dim, night-light on so that baby will not be frightened if she awakens later on. It is also a good idea to play a soothing lullaby CD and leave it playing quietly on repeat. Play the same CD every night and baby will begin to look forward to bedtime! Babies love repetition. It makes them feel secure.

Babies are never too young for a bedtime story or a lullaby. And many babies have a favourite bedtime story that they like to hear every night before sleeping.

If your baby gets upset when you place her in the cot, stay with her for a few moments. Tell her firmly that it is bedtime and say goodnight. Leave the room, but stay nearby. Allow her to cry for around thirty seconds. Return to the room and again say goodnight. Do not chat! If she is standing up, lie her down. She will probably scramble straight back onto her feet! Leave the room again.

Each time wait slightly longer before returning. It can be a good idea to move around nearby, but not in the same room, and allow baby to hear that you are nearby. You may like to hum a tune or chat to your partner. Avoid keeping the whole house silent. Babies need to learn to sleep through some noise.

If baby gets very distressed, simply return to her and comfort her with a little hug. And then lie her down. It can be incredibly difficult to refrain from lifting her. But be assured that eventually she will fall asleep.

Within two or three nights most babies stop protesting and have learnt what bedtime means. Many happily lie down and fall straight to sleep once the routine is established. As a result your baby will be happier and so too will your family!

Goodnight!

Read more: And To All A Goodnight!

Twisted Humor; Socks won’t cover this up!

Twisted Humor: Twisted humor is one of those things that at the end may seam funny to some folks but to the one who bears the brunt of this type of humor is left with his or her life changed forever. You have heard no doubt, of the aftereffects of some of these humorous situations but were not privy to what actually occurred to facilitate the life change. Let me share with you one such story told to me by my friend John, in his words. I awoke one day several years ago on my birthday. Now birthdays around our house are a big event. The festivities usually start in the morning with the entire family (My wife, 3 Kids and one dog) in bed with the birthday-boy hollering heckles about the aged old man. This ritual usually ended with the kids fixing breakfast and the wife and I enjoying some of the comforts of our physical relationship. But this day was different; I awoke to what appeared to be a normal morning ritual where they were all doing there own thing, getting ready for their respective days. It appeared as though they had forgotten it was my birthday. I began to get terribly depressed but continued on. I quickly prepared for work and left for the office expecting the group I work with to have something big prepared for my birthday as they usually did. I arrived at work and found that my co-workers had also disappointed me, there were no birthday streamers and cake as usual. I slipped further into depression as I thought that turning 50 would have brought out the party poppers and ribbons. It had become a very bad day. Latter in the morning my secretary Denise, who was 35 and built for pleasure, asked me “what has you so down this morning.” I explained that it was my birthday and all of my family and friends had forgotten it, leaving me very depressed. Felling badly about forgetting my birthday she volunteered to take me to lunch. I declined but Denise insisted so we left at one to have lunch. I suggested several restaurants but Denise insisted on taking me to her apartment instead where she indicated she wanted me all to herself. When we arrived at Denise’s apartment, she led me to the wet bar and asked me to make us both a stiff drink. We took our drinks to the living room and visited for a time about the plight of her last failed relationship. She indicated the next time she entered into a relationship it would be with an older gentleman about my age, possibly me. She asked to be excused for a moment while she went to the bedroom to slip into something more comfortable. I was getting excited as I thought she was coming on to me and thinking I might get lucky I waited for her return. My mind began to race excitedly thinking about what might happen next. I began to undress and prepare for her return. I arranged the throw over the love seat and got comfortably naked and waited. After some time she exited her room with loud shouts of happy birthday followed by my wife, mother in law, kids and the guys and gals from my office, all shouting happy birthday and their I sat with nothing on but my socks.Woops!Now that’s funny!

Read more: Twisted Humor; Socks won’t cover this up!